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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.